INPERSONNATION (working title)
By Anthony “The Rory Man” Tran
Elvis impersonator is in his dressing room wearing a bathrobe, preparing himself for the F.A.K.E.S. Fabulous Amateurs Keeping
Entertainment Simple competition. He walks beside his Elvis posters and looks calmly into the mirror.)
(pointing fingers at himself through the reflection.)
Hey how ya doin'. I got my blue Swede shoes on. (Then
as himself, we see his face change expression in the mirror) DAMNIT! Two years of impersonations and I can—(his
hips begin rocking back and forth, thrusting his pelvis next) I still got that boom Boom BOOM! (with each boom, he shakes
[He whips his head around
and stares at Elvis on his wall. He begins to concentrate on the photo, hoping to grasp the essence of who Elvis is.]
I will win tonight. I will win. (turning back to the mirror,
a satisfied grin reflects back)
(The Napoleon Dynamite impersonator
is on his phone, strong-willed and in costume, but talking in his normal voice.)
(on the cell phone)
Yeah I guarantee that this show is mine. (pause) Who am I up against this year? A stupidass Titney
Spears and that out-played Elvis fool. (pause) America for sure is not over with Napoleon Dy-NO-Mite! They’d vote for
Pedro over Bush any day if the damn movie would have came out before the 2000 Election. (pause) Naw man! I am good to go like
a Crunchwrap (motions hands like Taco bell commercial). I stay fly. Bye.
[He hangs up; his other hand
is revealed, petting a weird yellow stuffed animal.]
(in the Napoleon voice)
Yes, Precious, it’s in the bag. (a shot of PRECIOUS and a thing of lip balm beside him on
the table) Give me that chap stick, Precious, my lips hurt real bad. (same shot of Precious remaining inanimate) PRECIOUS!
Fine, you’re just pissy because I’ve been chatting online with hot babes all day—oh shit that’s other
dude’s line.(closer shot of Precious) Chap stick now! (CU on Precious) Just wait till I put my wig on Precious, just
wait. (ECU on Precious) Shut uppppp. (Punches Precious, which flies into the mirror and it cuts.)
[Pat is dressed in Elvis costume, zipping up his fly and
a knock on the door is heard. He walks over to the dressing room door and opens it to reveal STAGE MANAGER.]
pretty lady, welcome to the king’s room. We can go to the back and start some jailhouse rocking, what do you say? (Hips
moving & a thrusting pelvis closing in on the stage manager)
STAGE MANAGER (is a guy holding CLIPBOARD)
Sir, we’ll be ready in about a half hour.
you. Thank you very much.
[The dude leaves. Pat looks
at himself in the mirror with a pair of classic shades on and slicks back his hair. He grabs a PLATE with a peanut butter
and sliced banana sandwich, taking a monstrous bite. For a second time, the door is being banged on, much louder and more
violent. Ignoring the perpetrator, he takes another bite. Even louder now, Pat faces the door. Trying to enjoy his remaining
minutes before the contest, he shoots an evil glare at the door.]
ain’t nothing but a hound dog, bitch.
[The door begins to shake.
Rattling the dressing rooms. The lights begin to flicker off and on. The sandwich falls, and he begins roaming toward the
door feeling around with his hands in the dark. The lights are off, then on—and then he’s dancing, off and on
and a different dance move per flicker repeated until he reaches the door. His shades still on, he opens the rumbling door
to reveal Shane dressed as Napoleon with a COLORED CLOWN WIG for the afro look. The lights remain on and Elvis looks up in
disbelief, but ignores he’s own shock.]
PaTINA, you fat lard, were you eating peanut butter, King of Crisco. Gawd!
are you doing disturbing my peace before the big show tonight? Don’t you see that you’re bothering me, boy, by
banging on my doors?
Patrick. So fragile, so weak. (emphasis ‘K’ sound) King of Crap is more like it. (mockingly chuckles) I’ve
won the F.A.K.E.S. competition the last three years, and you always seem to be a mere second place every time. You know why?
You’re outdated. You’re the past, and nobody gives a damn about what isn’t moving us forward in today’s
society. Fabulous Amateurs Keeping Simple Entertainment, we are, FAKES.
a mentally challenged nerd is evolution? Hah. It’s the past that makes us who we are. A pea brain like you wouldn’t
understand that. You’re the leaders of the fake ones huh, Shane? (He begins walking toward Shane, making him step backward
into the hallway) You’re…(step)…just a…(step)…piece of…
both stop what they’re doing and sniff a little. The smell is stronger, and their noses start sniffing toward the right
door and into the air a little.]
You smell that?
[A male Britney impersonator
with huge knockers and a blonde wig is cooking with a FRYING PAN on a HOT PLATE with SPAGHETTI mixed with MILK and BUTTER.
In a daze, she pokes at the raw noodles with a SPATULA.]
(talking to somebody in the room)
It’s a good day. I ain’t even that drunk! (hiccups) The babies are hungry.
They need a little more. [She whips out her left fake boob and pretends to squirt milk.] All better, right baby? (she smiles at the figure in a high chair and speaks like Yoda) One more time, baby want?
(a plastic doll is in the HIGH CHAIR. Stirring the spaghetti, Brit adds PARSLEY and smiles in her high ditzy daze she begins
to weakly sing while stirring the crap.) Gimme gimme more. Gimme more!
[Shane and Pat look at each
other seriously, then bust out in hysterical laughter.]
No way dude! We already know that she is out of the game.
Is that Anna Nicole or Jessica Simpson?
up dude, I got to go rehydrate the plants. (“you know what I mean” look)
[Shane walks away. Pat looks
over to Titney’s room and shakes his head in disgust. On the door of each contestant is the name of the Impersonator
on a gold star. Pat’s door is two away from Napoleon’s. Pat casually looks around and walks swiftly with stealth
into NAPOLEON’S room.]
[Inside the room are cut-outs of phrases from Napoleon Dynamite like
“GOSH!”, “IDIOT!”, “VOTE FOR PEDRO!”, “TINA YOU FAT LARD” and “LET ME
BORROW YOUR CHAPSTICK, MY LIP HURTS REAL BAD!”, and a picture of Pedro with a heart in red lipstick around it. He scans
the room and sees PRECIOUS thrown on its side. Looking mischievously around, he snatches the stuffed animal and runs out the
up his fly with his head down for coordination, Napoleon sees Pat walking out with Precious.]
Come back here with…my precious. (said with change to Golem from LOTR)
[Pat takes off running, he
isn’t willing to let Shane win, especially with his cliché façade presented in everything within the competition. Then
he busts outside.]
I’ll get you MY PRETTY!!!! (under his breath) and your little dog too, fucking loser.
[Running around the
parking lot, Napoleon sneaks around the corner of a car, but Pat is behind another one far away, and the chase is continued
in between the two rows of parked cars. The chase is fun and corny, as they reappear at random spots on this one shot.]
[Eventually Shane reaches
out for Precious and falls away from it as Pat slips it out of his hand. He falls backward in despair as Precious brushes
his fingertips. Pat bolts off under the sunlit in his costume and crashes through into Brit’s room.]
[Britney turns around with lip-gloss in her hand, moves her lips softly, then puts on a friendly smile.]
was expecting you.
pretty lady? You want to be my Teddy Bear?
know I come off as a drunken Louisiana girl that gets married in Las Vegas and lets out a few baby Brits here and there, but
I know when somebody’s upset.
you psychic or something?
No. You kind of just busted through my dressing room door with a yellow…a yellow…
dawg. Listen, come here.
[He steps up to her carefully
and leans his ear into it, before grabbing his nose from her horrid cooking.]
I know what you want. I know what you need. (she arcs around him and it looks sexual) You need…a new song!
A new song?
(getting into it)
YEAH! Like, “Sometimes I cook, sometimes I fry, sometimes I’m high with you babay—“
there “Brit” (emphasis quotes with hands”) That’s your style of music. You got anything for me to
Well I did write this song. It was about you last year. It’s on my new record,
available in November, so no.
need help! BRITNEY BABY! PLEASE!!!!
is furious as he storms with rage into the hallway. He smells the air and heads into Britney’s dressing room.]
are you doing in here! This is girls only.
the hell is he then?
I believe…The King.
[The Stage Manager walks
in the room with the CLIPBOARD and a HEADSET.]
Viva Las Vegas with me, Britney?
Hey party imposters. It’s time. (party music begins playing real loud)
lights are all set up nicely and a crowd is in anticipation as the announcer is in front of a PODIUM. A big banner written
F.A.K.E.S. hangs as the backdrop.]
I am proud to present this years best F-A-K-E-S nominees!
SHANE KIPPERS as NAPOLEON DYNAMITE!
[A quick 6 second video plays
of Napoleon shows on screen with different angles and edits play: “Gosh!” “Freaking Idiot!” “My
lips hurt real bad!” “You should really vote for Pedro”. The AUDIENCE goes wild and roars with laughter.]
Pat…(unsure of last name) …eh…as ELVIS PELVIS!!
(the last name is uncertain since the
requirement of this character was to be just “Pat” as a joke it is said like there never was a last name, ha-ha
[Elvis’ video includes
cool shots of him singing with black and white picture. Hips moving. Pelvis thrusting, more pelvis thrusting. “You’ll
never walk alone” and winks at the camera. Britney screams louder than hell like one of the hysterical fans back in
the golden days.]
finally, our lady, Ms. Titney Spears!!!
[Britney’s video is
2 seconds long. A flash of her dancing WS and a CU of her looking hot into the camera and then it cuts. Two people clap. In
the audience, Britney looks confused. This becomes split into 3 screens showing all nominees.]
the winner is…
And that’s how it ends. Because in the end, everybody is somehow a winner. Elvis rediscovered his
love for rock and roll. Napoleon Dynamite stays so freaking quirky. And Britney has another baby. A real one this time. You
still want to know the winner? OK. (the scene resumes)
Spurrrsss, yes she is ghetto fab nowadays.
(gets on stage in front of podium)
I did it! I finally did it again! I’m so lucky! Suck on this! (pulls out fake
(This was created before the actual shooting so some of it may be changed)
(May not be 100% Complete):
Please try and get what is needed for Production
ELVIS: DRESSING ROOM
NAPOLEON: DRESSING ROOM
BRITNEY: DRESSING ROOM
PEOPLE IN AUDIENCE during Award Ceremony
Napoleon Dynamite quotes on poster board stars
Colored Clown Wig
Peanut Butter Sandwich w/ banana slices
Elvis: (sunglasses, oil-slicked combed
back hair, blue Swede shoes)
Napoleon: (curly wig, glasses, tight jeans, tight shirt: Vote for Pedro)
wig, pink shirt, mini-skirt, shoes, knockers, make-up, eyelashes, etc.)
Pat has been struggling to become the best Elvis impersonator for years.
Every time he competes, Shane Smith wins and plans to win again as Napoleon Dynamite this time. Rivalry tension begins to
escalate as they try to tear each other down, ignoring the remaining nominee, Ms. Britney Spears. What happens to Shane’s
keepsake, Precious? What is Britney cooking? Who will win the award for the best F.A.K.E. (Fabulous Amateurs Keeping Entertainment)?
ELVIS PRESLEY FACTS:
From Memphis, TN
Hits include: “Hound Dog”, “Jailhouse
Rock”, “Viva Las Vegas”, “Teddy Bear”, “In the Ghetto”, “You’ll Never
Walk Alone”, “Blue Swede Shoes”, “Love Me Tender”, “I Believe”
-When he swung
his hips & danced in the 1950’s, TV would only show waist up
-In a lot of movies singing, dancing, and clapping
-Had gossip and ballad number one hits
-Had long black sideburns, dyed hair black, and combed it back with
-Had mass screaming “hysterical” fans
-Curled one nostril on the side
-Liked peanut butter and
sliced up banana sandwiches
-His daughter, Lisa Marie Presley, sings
-Died in 1977
NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD!