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The DuMbEsT HoRrOr Flick


Written by Rory aka Anthony Tran


With inspired ideas by

Jodee Nagel

Cydney Sheppard


Ryan Pierce

Derrick Blair

Ashley and Britta Sanders

Jaykay Zanders

Justina Martin




Scream…Again Yo


[It was a cold summer night. Eren and her daughter, Cydney, are in their kitchen. Eren’s black and Cydney’s a white cheery-preppy kind of girl, holding a phone.]


EREN (sounds as white as could be)

Wut zup…foo’!?


Do you have anything to eat? I’m about to watch a movie. (nods head with a smirk)


Yah dawg, right hurre I got some Jiffy Pop.



(phone rings in her hand) Make that. (clicks on phone) Hello? *pause* (walks into living room) Oh my god – no. I love you more. (sounds more  more hyper-ditzy) Hold on babe, I got a beep. (presses button on phone) Hello!?


KILLER (deep-scratchy Scream voice)

Hello Cydney. What’s your favorite scary movie?



Oh-magod. The Ring. (she limps fingers in front of her to admire her Ring Pop on her ring finger) You know!? (sounds like girl from Ring) Seven days. (back to preppy and smiles big with no fear) Gets me everytime!!



You wanna play a little game?


CYD (Super smiley challenging voice)

Yeah I do.



I’m not talking about Bingo at your grandma’s house on Saturday’s, Cyd.



(getting nervous) Oh my god…how do you know about Bingo and grandma?


KILLER (getting angrier with each sentence)

Because I’m stalking you…and I’m watching you—through your window…and you’ve go company! Now go answer the front door!!



(walks around in circles and shrugs) Where’s the front door?

[She looks over and sees it, gives off a smile, and tip-toes quietly to the front door in a switch to scared as hell. She flings open the door and begins screaming, and the other side of the door begins screaming, then she realizes it’s her two friends Jodie and Heather.]



Oh my god come in…(closes door) HOLY MOSES! there’s a killer in MY HOUSE! He knows about grandma and Bingo…

[The girls stare at each other in terror—only they know that secret. Cydney points to phone and answers in paranoia]






Bring them into the kitchen or they’ll get it.



(puts phone down) You guys we have to go into the my kitchen now.



No, but I can hear your mom making Jiffy Pop popcorn.


EREN (off-stage with her voice)

*Pop* *Pop*



But we could die in there. Haven’t you ever seen Final Destination.



Yea, the Jiffy Pop could kill us!!


CYD (puts on the ‘we have to go or we’ll die anyways’ face)

You guys come on (leads them into the kitchen)




Hey you all—what be thrown down yo.


[The killer races into the kitchen and makes all the girls jump and scream when they realize it was just their guy friend, Rory with a phone in his hand, he always wears a KoRn t-shirt.]



Hahaha! You just got served!! (waves fingers back and forth in ghetto fashion) Hey, I just wanted some Jiffy Pop you guys. (Looks at Eren and gets excited) Oh my god it’s Lil Jon! (yells like Lil Jon) WHAT!?



(shrugs shoulders and smiles; calmly saying:) Yea…okay.


[All laugh fakely in unison.]


ALL (like Lil Jon)

Let’s go!


[They walk into her living room and begin heading outside.]


---Living Room/Hallway/Front Porch---



So what’s been up homefrog? *pause* Rory!? *pause*

[Everyone stops walking outside and stares at her.


RORY (unsure to see if she’s really that dumb)

You mean homedog?



Oh butter balls to lick and squeeze, can I really be that stupid? (the stares continue) Shit. I feel like Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton—a dumb blond (sighs, then bright smile)—Guess that’s what sells nowadays. (bright smile, everyone keeps walking)



Ooh Jodie, do your shopping cart interpretive miming.



What wench!? Yeah, okay!!


[She pretends to grab cans from the air but meaning to look like on a shelf…she smiles really happy and tosses it in her ‘shopping cart’, then grabs a box from a ‘shelf’, shakes her head no in major disappointment, then places it back on the shelf. She grabs another, smiles, and puts in her invisible ‘grocery cart’—then pretends to push it.]


So where exactly are we going, Cydney?


Hee hee. That was funny.

JO (yells)

Speak up you lop-sided tit whore!

[Heather scowls a cruel look at Jodie.]


The Feared Wench Projekt



O.K. I think I left my pet lama in those woods. (she points over to a smell area of trees behind her building) Come on you guys, hurry the cunt fucking up.

[They walk into the woods. Rory is behind the camera.]




We’re videotaping your Big Lama…Disney’s Finding Lama. Y’all ready for dis adventure?


Danger’s my last name bitch. (glances) No really, Jodee Danger. (glances) Just come on you lactating homos. (they walk some more)


Oh my asswrinkle. (spreads hands out in front of everyone’s way and gasps) Did we lose someone yet?



I don’t hear Heather. Speak up bitch.

[Mumble from the side. They continue walking. Cydney stops in front of a big tree.]


What my Cheez Nips, there’s a tree in my way. Someone move it.

HEATHER (quietly)

Just go around it.


What you fat whore? Why do you speak so quietly were you like beaten by your parents your whole life or something, faget.


Wow you guys; have you noticed how vulgar we’ve become.


Because the last scene was for the YMCA and it had to be YMCA appropriate. Fuck them.


Yeah fuck them. Wait what?


Uh oh! How the fuck can we make an hour and half long documentary on us in the “scary woods” if I only have 5 minutes left on my camcorder battery?

HEATHER (sarcastic/quiet)

I guess we’re gonna have to die faster so our loved ones will tragically miss us.


(tangled in a bush, struggling) The obstacles in the woods make me hate the thought of camping. Fuck this, weed break.


Oh my god where’s Rory? He was here and now he’s like gone.


Oh shit I heard a noise over there. (a pause then scream. Two hands clamp around her and squeeze her tits) OHHH! He’s got a hold of my breasts!! (she struggles out and turns around)


You just got served…again (pushes her back and her feet land in squish)


Ew, I think I just stepped in dog shit.


(while pulling out her chopstick that’s supposed to be her wand, she thrusts it out in front of her and aims it between Cydney’s legs with which the killer is in the shadows behind her) Engrothium Cocksinep. (she walks towards Cydney with sheer confidence as if some kind of superhero) I am a witch at Humpwarts School of Bitchcraft and Whimpery.


No way! I knew you were weird!


Oww my dick! (he comes out of the bushes holding his crotch and stumbles into view from shadows)


Holy shit Rory, did I hit you by accident with my spell.


By accident my ass! I just wanted to scare you guys again because Cydney doesn’t have a big lama does she? (he glares are her)


Oh woops! I have a big mama not a big lama…how could I have gotten that confused!? I just want to say that I am sooo addicted to Jiffy Pop (tweeks out, gets excited) it’s like my drug!!


Oh and I’m still watching Harry Porno and the Chamber of Sypahlis. Hot action.


So there’s no feared wench?


Nope just me, your hot lesbian stripper.

[Cyd’s cell phone rings. She looks at Caller I.D. it says PRIVATE. She answers.]



KILLER (Deep scratchy woman, killer voice)

This wench exists and I’m following you in the woods.


Well the wench is wrong because I don’t get service out in the woods. Haven’t you ever heard of Sprint?


I know about grandpa and arthritis yahtzee four square checkers games on Saturdays.


Whatever…I have Bingo on Saturdays---with grandma duh. (hangs up and puts cell phone in pocket)

JO (under her breath)

Take away his manhood, Cyd. That put him in his place.

[They begin walking in the woods some more when Cydney stops, spreads her hands out and looks around.]

CYD (in utter fear)

Oh my gosh is someone dead yet? (gets whimpering eyes, then looks up at the sky, then points up for everyone to look) Shimney Shickims look up!

[Everyone stares up at a tree that has a messed up stick figure with a long twig for arms and tiny twig legs.]

HEATHER (whispers)

That wasn’t there before.

JO (loud)


HEATHER (louder and a little ghetto)

Fuck you hairy cunt! I hope you burn in dis woods and DIE! You witch! *pause*

JO (softer)

Shhh! Heather hun, your too loud, damn.

[The stick figure falls down and starts attacking Heather and another one comes up and starts beating up Jodee at her legs by scratching and snapping their stick legs and arms. Two drop on Cydney an push her down to the ground where they start tearing at her chest and ripping at her neck. Then pushing her up against a tree like the scene in “13 Ghosts”.]



[They all lay on the ground awaking. Not realizing when they smoked on a weed break, it was laced with LSD and all that did happen, but it didn’t. Eyes are blood shot, they stoned!]


Oh shit I just dreamt I had a lama but I didn’t and I have a big black mama who has started my addiction with Jiffy Pop…(sighs) Like what a bad movie idea that would be J(fake laugh)J (serious:) Not funny.


JO (dazes in and out)

I think I’m on some Jiffy Pop right now…it’s ruining my brain cells.

CYD (stoned)

(continuing off her sentence before) And then you were a witch from Humpwarts.

JO (stoned/surprised)



Yeah but then you made Rory’s penis just a little bigger so your witchcraft would be around sex and not house elves or talking books with attitude.


Who told you this bullshit?


It wasn’t a dream it was real…no I mean it was a dream and no one told me it.


Oh because I do practice wicca and am technically a witch. My third year at Humpwarts is coming up, and my fourth. All in the same year! Maybe you have a sixth sense thing.


(stands up looking courageous) Or maybe I’m Buffy the Vampire Slayer!


(shrugs and rolls eyes) Whatever…but I’m in Jiffy Pop haze bitch!


Oh shit we have to go to Rory’s rap battle today remember he was setting up when we left? Or something, I don’t know I’m too fucked up.


Let me see your Clear Eyes (Cydney gives a perplex look)…contacts.


(hands Jo her Clear Eyes and walks near the front of the woods) So tumbling dildos are we ready to get him to go?

[Rustle rustle behind them. Cydney then screams and takes off running. The camera zooms on her feet and back up like in “The Blair Witch Project”.]

CYD (screaming)

Homedawg! D-A-W-G not homefrog! How could I be so unintellectualish!

[Zoom on half Jodie’s face with her crying.]

JO (sad)

No more porns after this mom and dad I swear!!



[Cydney and Jodie walk into the hallway and see Ryan over there in the corner.]


Like, prepwagon, what are you doing?

RYAN (preppy snobby sounding)

(has sunglasses on inside) For your information Miss Steakpiggy McGrittles, I’m waiting for the rap battle to start. But not to watch…just to listen…and see what kind of shoes they’re wearing compared to last month—(cups mouth with right hand and whispers like it’s a secret) –I heard Joel’s got his on discount…ewwww.


JO (annoyed)

Have fun cheerleading, I’ll see you tomorrow when you’re in the next part of the film.


[They begin walking upstairs, leaving Ryan. They enter the apartment, see no one, sit down at the breakfast table, and grab a fruit from a basket that says “STALE FRUITS”. Jodee goes into Rory’s room before the rap battle. He’s gathering his materials. She grabs a photo album.]


What’s this Rory, from Leaders Camp? (she begins flipping through the pages and nothing is there) Hypocritical Christians—this—these are empty. What if someone’s trying to erase us!? What did you do with these photos!? WHY!? WHY!?


(hitting a bowl by his window nods to the clock, it says 420) Calm down, take a vike. I promise you, the YMCA cult shall go on no more.

JO (squeaky)

(looking possessed) I’ll never tell


(smoke in lungs) You better not tuna-breath. (blows out window)


Rory enters the room in a panic and hurry holding a crinkled up piece of paper. He begins pacing back and forth in front of them.]



FEMENEM: 8 Mile 2



Okay I need your help for the competition rhyme battle.

CYD (very smiley)

You were just in the woods with us, (looks fake, puts mouth in O, and shrugs:) where’d you go?


(gives weird look to Cydney in stupidity, then mood change) So I call this song “Dinner Plates” (clears throat and sings) Hey bitch! You got big fucking tits! They’re the size of dinner plates…wanna go on a date? Don’t be late or I’ll be ingrate—ful. Roast beef is what it looks like right between her legs, she’s dark chocolate and yeah I love it…let me wash your dinner plates---(stops singing)…With my tongue.

CYD (agreeing)

Oh cotton balls, black chicks do have huge tits. I could eat waffles and have a breakfast meal on a black chicks tit.


Yea yea…(picks up apple)--so true. (takes bite of apple)


You going to the concert? With blacks, queers and black queers. It’s gonna be diverse.


We all know that you got queer in you.



(peals banana) It’s Brady Bunch obvious. (begins shoving banana, deep throating it)

JO (starts talking loud)

Man I wanna fuck your meatstick like a Mama’s boy on Zantac (pause, glares towards her)…fine Xanax…let’s go and get crunk! (she gets out of chair and begins walking out)

--cut scene--

[Jodee’s jaw drops as she realizes that the rap battle is in the living room.]


No, this is doo-doo butter right hurre dawgy R. The rap battle is in the living room? Look at the little niggletts running around.

JO (in a trance)

I want one in a jar with a leaf in it.


(in front on the mic, people start quieting down) Aight, aight okay! Now we bout to start it wit some hardcore…Rory!

[Rory grabs the mic and the beats of a cool rap song start. His opponent standing in front of him is a tall black dude with attitude. The song changes to Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi”, instrumental.]

RORY (singing)

She was a boy…he was a girl  Can you make it more obvious  He had a cunt…she wasn’t gay  What a great lay… (chorus) They were hermaphrodites, they did it every night  They were as kinky as could be  He sits on a toilet seat when he has to take a pee, she stands up and unfolds her winky…(end) Thank you!!

[Walks off stage, blank stares with smiles of laughter bust out as Rory goes over by Cydney and Jodie.]


(Rory’s opponent) Bitch, dat ain’t rap…dat was a rip on Aderol Ravine, hater boy.


(sunglasses on head) Why do you talk like that, are you uneducated or something? I thought after Helen Keller, everyone could speak English. (he glares over towards Rory) And that sucked, my $360 sunglasses could do better than that. (he smirks and walks away)

RORY (under breath, mad)

I hope you get retarded.


(walks up to him and starts sniffing him, glares) You smell like black people.


That was low and racist. “Get Low” –(nods head no)—not in this situation lil Js. (begins smiling and running towards the black kids) COME HERE LITTLE NIGGLETTS!! Don’t play in the sandbox or the kittens will cover you up!!


Well you better go shower before you become one of them. I don’t understand why you made this rap battle anyway, it was totally pointless. Now all I wanna do is compare Mr. Hanky to that little boy over there—same features. They must be related.




Well we’re on 5 mile so technically we got the uncool Oprah and her four children, 8 miles 2 miles down so if you want the real party, its down a few miles.


You are sooo gay.


Damn, it’s beginning to smell like Oprah in here…shit Cletus.


(wraps arms around his neck)…Well I’m off to Humpwarts.


Wait this is sudden. First we’re eating Jiffy Pop, then we’re lost in the woods, I go to a rap battle and you’re now leaving to a witchcraft school? What’s next?


Well a Buffy spoof, American Pie, Taking Lives, Final Destination, the Real World and--

RORY (yells)

--I got it Princess Ditzy Pants!


Bye!! See you next year! (she runs off)

[Cydney comes up to Rory, panting and exhausted.]


Okay, now remember what I said? I’m making my record deal and will be recording soon. So until I get a note to go to that mansion where I must live there for 8 hours with complete strangers. Complete…not incomplete strangers, they’re like all strangers and stuff.


You fucking crackheads, I have no idea what’s going on…



Final Retardation

[Rory walks downstairs and sees Jodee giving a goodbye hug to Ryan.]


These shoes were marked from $300 to now only $289. I love sales!!


Well have fun with that (lightly punches shoulder) shoe boy. But be careful. There’s a psychotic killer on the loose and other freaky shit.


Whatever, there’s a shoe sale tomorrow and thinking about dying is not going to stop me from buying them…retard.

[He walks away from her in a prissy fashion when the door slams into his face. He then trips into the apartment hallway, slips on detergent by the washing machine, bangs head on washer, falls, the dryer door opens-slamming into his face, a cat jumps out and he falls hard on his back. He looks dazed.]


Death is coming!!

[The lights are shining bright above him, and are flicking on and off making a creaking sound. He looks up and SLAM! 8 pairs of shoes fall on top of him. Jodee stares.]


Well I could use magic to save him, but oh well, at least he got his shoes…or did he. (she giggles and starts grabbing all the shoes from his lifeless body) It’s time for Humpwarts!


--Humpwarts Castle--


[Jodee is in a classroom in a cloak with a chopstick wand and her hair down. An elderly woman approaches her.]

PROF. #1

Welcome Miss Jodee Danger.


Yeah I was hoping I could find Professor Dumblewhore. It’s about Jenny Weasley’s fire crotch issue, and all the Weasley’s…red heads.








More to come...look for the trailer and message board coming soon!

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Features the films:
Universal Intelligence
And the upcoming films:
Challenge (working title)
The Dumbest Horror Flick Ever
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