[It was a cold summer night. Eren and her daughter, Cydney, are in their kitchen. Eren’s black
and Cydney’s a white cheery-preppy kind of girl, holding a phone.]
EREN (sounds as white as could be)
have anything to eat? I’m about to watch a movie. (nods head with a smirk)
Yah dawg, right hurre I got some Jiffy Pop.
(phone rings in her hand) Make that. (clicks on phone) Hello? *pause* (walks into living room) Oh my god
– no. I love you more. (sounds more more hyper-ditzy) Hold on babe, I got
a beep. (presses button on phone) Hello!?
(deep-scratchy Scream voice)
Hello Cydney. What’s your favorite scary movie?
Oh-magod. The Ring. (she limps fingers in front of her to admire her Ring Pop on her ring
finger) You know!? (sounds like girl from Ring) Seven days. (back to preppy and smiles big with no fear) Gets me everytime!!
You wanna play a little game?
CYD (Super smiley challenging voice)
Yeah I do.
I’m not talking about Bingo at your grandma’s house on Saturday’s, Cyd.
(getting nervous) Oh my god…how do you know about Bingo and grandma?
KILLER (getting angrier with each
Because I’m stalking
you…and I’m watching you—through your window…and you’ve go company! Now go answer the front
around in circles and shrugs) Where’s the front door?
looks over and sees it, gives off a smile, and tip-toes quietly to the front door in a switch to scared as hell. She flings
open the door and begins screaming, and the other side of the door begins screaming, then she realizes it’s her two
friends Jodie and Heather.]
god come in…(closes door) HOLY MOSES! there’s a killer in MY HOUSE! He knows about grandma and Bingo…
[The girls stare at each
other in terror—only they know that secret. Cydney points to phone and answers in paranoia]
them into the kitchen or they’ll get it.
phone down) You guys we have to go into the my kitchen now.
GIRL #1 (JODIE)
but I can hear your mom making Jiffy Pop popcorn.
EREN (off-stage with her voice)
GIRL #2 (HEATHER)
But we could die in there. Haven’t you ever seen Final Destination.
Yea, the Jiffy Pop could kill us!!
CYD (puts on the ‘we have to go or we’ll die anyways’ face)
You guys come on (leads them into the kitchen)
Hey you all—what be thrown down yo.
[The killer races into the kitchen and makes all the girls jump and scream when they realize it was
just their guy friend, Rory with a phone in his hand, he always wears a KoRn t-shirt.]
Hahaha! You just got served!! (waves fingers back and forth in ghetto fashion) Hey, I just wanted
some Jiffy Pop you guys. (Looks at Eren and gets excited) Oh my god it’s Lil Jon! (yells like Lil Jon) WHAT!?
(shrugs shoulders and smiles; calmly saying:) Yea…okay.
[All laugh fakely in unison.]
ALL (like Lil Jon)
[They walk into her living room and begin heading outside.]
---Living Room/Hallway/Front Porch---
So what’s been up homefrog? *pause* Rory!? *pause*
[Everyone stops walking outside and stares at her.
RORY (unsure to see if she’s really that dumb)
You mean homedog?
Oh butter balls to lick and squeeze, can I really be that stupid? (the stares continue) Shit. I feel
like Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton—a dumb blond (sighs, then bright smile)—Guess that’s what sells nowadays.
(bright smile, everyone keeps walking)
Ooh Jodie, do your shopping
cart interpretive miming.
What wench!? Yeah, okay!!
[She pretends to grab cans from the air but meaning to look like on a shelf…she smiles really
happy and tosses it in her ‘shopping cart’, then grabs a box from a ‘shelf’, shakes her head no in
major disappointment, then places it back on the shelf. She grabs another, smiles, and puts in her invisible ‘grocery
cart’—then pretends to push it.]
So where exactly are we going, Cydney?
Hee hee. That was funny.
Speak up you lop-sided tit whore!
[Heather scowls a cruel look at Jodie.]
Feared Wench Projekt
O.K. I think I left my pet lama in those woods. (she points over to a smell area of trees behind her
building) Come on you guys, hurry the cunt fucking up.
[They walk into the woods. Rory is behind the camera.]
We’re videotaping your Big Lama…Disney’s Finding Lama. Y’all ready
for dis adventure?
Danger’s my last name bitch. (glances) No really, Jodee Danger. (glances) Just come on you lactating
homos. (they walk some more)
Oh my asswrinkle. (spreads hands out in front of everyone’s way and gasps) Did we lose someone
I don’t hear Heather. Speak up bitch.
[Mumble from the side. They continue walking. Cydney stops in front of a big tree.]
my Cheez Nips, there’s a tree in my way. Someone move it.
go around it.
What you fat whore? Why do you speak so quietly were you like beaten by your parents your whole life
or something, faget.
you guys; have you noticed how vulgar we’ve become.
Because the last scene was for the YMCA and it had to be YMCA appropriate. Fuck them.
fuck them. Wait what?
Uh oh! How the fuck can we make an hour and half long documentary on us in the “scary woods”
if I only have 5 minutes left on my camcorder battery?
I guess we’re gonna have to die faster so our loved ones will tragically miss us.
(tangled in a bush, struggling) The obstacles in the woods make me hate the thought of camping. Fuck
this, weed break.
Oh my god where’s Rory? He was here and now he’s like gone.
Oh shit I heard a noise over there. (a pause then scream. Two hands clamp around her and squeeze her
tits) OHHH! He’s got a hold of my breasts!! (she struggles out and turns around)
just got served…again (pushes her back and her feet land in squish)
I think I just stepped in dog shit.
pulling out her chopstick that’s supposed to be her wand, she thrusts it out in front of her and aims it between Cydney’s
legs with which the killer is in the shadows behind her) Engrothium Cocksinep. (she walks towards Cydney with sheer
confidence as if some kind of superhero) I am a witch at Humpwarts School of Bitchcraft and Whimpery.
I knew you were weird!
my dick! (he comes out of the bushes holding his crotch and stumbles into view from shadows)
shit Rory, did I hit you by accident with my spell.
my ass! I just wanted to scare you guys again because Cydney doesn’t have a big lama does she? (he glares are her)
I have a big mama not a big lama…how could I have gotten that confused!? I just want to say that I am sooo addicted
to Jiffy Pop (tweeks out, gets excited) it’s like my drug!!
I’m still watching Harry Porno and the Chamber of Sypahlis. Hot action.
no feared wench?
just me, your hot lesbian stripper.
cell phone rings. She looks at Caller I.D. it says PRIVATE. She answers.]
KILLER (Deep scratchy woman, killer voice)
This wench exists and I’m
following you in the woods.
the wench is wrong because I don’t get service out in the woods. Haven’t you ever heard of Sprint?
about grandpa and arthritis yahtzee four square checkers games on Saturdays.
Whatever…I have Bingo
on Saturdays---with grandma duh. (hangs up and puts cell phone in pocket)
JO (under her breath)
away his manhood, Cyd. That put him in his place.
begin walking in the woods some more when Cydney stops, spreads her hands out and looks around.]
CYD (in utter fear)
gosh is someone dead yet? (gets whimpering eyes, then looks up at the sky, then points up for everyone to look) Shimney Shickims
stares up at a tree that has a messed up stick figure with a long twig for arms and tiny twig legs.]
wasn’t there before.
DIMPLE LICKING LESBIONIC WHORE…you need to raise YOUR VOICE!
HEATHER (louder and a little ghetto)
Fuck you hairy cunt! I hope
you burn in dis woods and DIE! You witch! *pause*
Heather hun, your too loud, damn.
stick figure falls down and starts attacking Heather and another one comes up and starts beating up Jodee at her legs by scratching
and snapping their stick legs and arms. Two drop on Cydney an push her down to the ground where they start tearing at her
chest and ripping at her neck. Then pushing her up against a tree like the scene in “13 Ghosts”.]
all lay on the ground awaking. Not realizing when they smoked on a weed break, it was laced with LSD and all that did happen,
but it didn’t. Eyes are blood shot, they stoned!]
I just dreamt I had a lama but I didn’t and I have a big black mama who has started my addiction with Jiffy Pop…(sighs)
Like what a bad movie idea that would be J(fake laugh)J (serious:)
JO (dazes in and out)
I’m on some Jiffy Pop right now…it’s ruining my brain cells.
off her sentence before) And then you were a witch from Humpwarts.
Yeah but then you made Rory’s penis just a little bigger so your witchcraft would be around sex
and not house elves or talking books with attitude.
told you this bullshit?
It wasn’t a dream it was real…no I mean it was a dream and no one told me it.
Oh because I do practice
wicca and am technically a witch. My third year at Humpwarts is coming up, and my fourth. All in the same year! Maybe you
have a sixth sense thing.
up looking courageous) Or maybe I’m Buffy the Vampire Slayer!
and rolls eyes) Whatever…but I’m in Jiffy Pop haze bitch!
we have to go to Rory’s rap battle today remember he was setting up when we left? Or something, I don’t know I’m
too fucked up.
me see your Clear Eyes (Cydney gives a perplex look)…contacts.
Jo her Clear Eyes and walks near the front of the woods) So tumbling dildos are we ready to get him to go?
rustle behind them. Cydney then screams and takes off running. The camera zooms on her feet and back up like in “The
Blair Witch Project”.]
D-A-W-G not homefrog! How could I be so unintellectualish!
on half Jodie’s face with her crying.]
porns after this mom and dad I swear!!
and Jodie walk into the hallway and see Ryan over there in the corner.]
prepwagon, what are you doing?
RYAN (preppy snobby sounding)
(has sunglasses on inside) For your information Miss Steakpiggy McGrittles, I’m waiting for the
rap battle to start. But not to watch…just to listen…and see what kind of shoes they’re wearing compared
to last month—(cups mouth with right hand and whispers like it’s a secret) –I heard Joel’s got his
fun cheerleading, I’ll see you tomorrow when you’re in the next part of the film.
begin walking upstairs, leaving Ryan. They enter the apartment, see no one, sit down at the breakfast table, and grab a fruit
from a basket that says “STALE FRUITS”. Jodee goes into Rory’s room before the rap battle. He’s gathering
his materials. She grabs a photo album.]
this Rory, from Leaders Camp? (she begins flipping through the pages and nothing is there) Hypocritical Christians—this—these
are empty. What if someone’s trying to erase us!? What did you do with these photos!? WHY!? WHY!?
a bowl by his window nods to the clock, it says 420) Calm down, take a vike. I promise you, the YMCA cult shall go on no more.
possessed) I’ll never tell
in lungs) You better not tuna-breath. (blows out window)
Rory enters the room in a
panic and hurry holding a crinkled up piece of paper. He begins pacing back and forth in front of them.]
8 Mile 2
Okay I need your help for
the competition rhyme battle.
CYD (very smiley)
were just in the woods with us, (looks fake, puts mouth in O, and shrugs:) where’d you go?
weird look to Cydney in stupidity, then mood change) So I call this song “Dinner Plates” (clears throat and sings)
Hey bitch! You got big fucking tits! They’re the size of dinner plates…wanna go on a date? Don’t be late
or I’ll be ingrate—ful. Roast beef is what it looks like right between her legs, she’s dark chocolate and
yeah I love it…let me wash your dinner plates---(stops singing)…With my tongue.
balls, black chicks do have huge tits. I could eat waffles and have a breakfast meal on a black chicks tit.
yea…(picks up apple)--so true. (takes bite of apple)
going to the concert? With blacks, queers and black queers. It’s gonna be diverse.
know that you got queer in you.
banana) It’s Brady Bunch obvious. (begins shoving banana, deep throating it)
JO (starts talking loud)
I wanna fuck your meatstick like a Mama’s boy on Zantac (pause, glares towards her)…fine Xanax…let’s
go and get crunk! (she gets out of chair and begins walking out)
jaw drops as she realizes that the rap battle is in the living room.]
this is doo-doo butter right hurre dawgy R. The rap battle is in the living room? Look at the little niggletts running around.
JO (in a trance)
one in a jar with a leaf in it.
front on the mic, people start quieting down) Aight, aight okay! Now we bout to start it wit some hardcore…Rory!
grabs the mic and the beats of a cool rap song start. His opponent standing in front of him is a tall black dude with attitude.
The song changes to Avril Lavigne’s “Sk8er Boi”, instrumental.]
was a boy…he was a girl Can you make it more obvious He had a cunt…she wasn’t gay What a great lay…
(chorus) They were hermaphrodites, they did it every night They were as kinky
as could be He sits on a toilet seat when he has to take a pee, she stands up
and unfolds her winky…(end) Thank you!!
off stage, blank stares with smiles of laughter bust out as Rory goes over by Cydney and Jodie.]
(Rory’s opponent) Bitch,
dat ain’t rap…dat was a rip on Aderol Ravine, hater boy.
on head) Why do you talk like that, are you uneducated or something? I thought after Helen Keller, everyone could speak English.
(he glares over towards Rory) And that sucked, my $360 sunglasses could do better than that. (he smirks and walks away)
RORY (under breath, mad)
you get retarded.
up to him and starts sniffing him, glares) You smell like black people.
was low and racist. “Get Low” –(nods head no)—not in this situation lil Js. (begins smiling and running
towards the black kids) COME HERE LITTLE NIGGLETTS!! Don’t play in the sandbox or the kittens will cover you up!!
you better go shower before you become one of them. I don’t understand why you made this rap battle anyway, it was totally
pointless. Now all I wanna do is compare Mr. Hanky to that little boy over there—same features. They must be
we’re on 5 mile so technically we got the uncool Oprah and her four children, 8 miles 2 miles down so if you want the
real party, its down a few miles.
are sooo gay.
it’s beginning to smell like Oprah in here…shit Cletus.
arms around his neck)…Well I’m off to Humpwarts.
this is sudden. First we’re eating Jiffy Pop, then we’re lost in the woods, I go to a rap battle and you’re
now leaving to a witchcraft school? What’s next?
a Buffy spoof, American Pie, Taking Lives, Final Destination, the Real World and--
--I got it Princess Ditzy
See you next year! (she runs off)
comes up to Rory, panting and exhausted.]
now remember what I said? I’m making my record deal and will be recording soon. So until I get a note to go to that
mansion where I must live there for 8 hours with complete strangers. Complete…not incomplete strangers, they’re
like all strangers and stuff.
fucking crackheads, I have no idea what’s going on…
walks downstairs and sees Jodee giving a goodbye hug to Ryan.]
shoes were marked from $300 to now only $289. I love sales!!
have fun with that (lightly punches shoulder) shoe boy. But be careful. There’s a psychotic killer on the loose and
other freaky shit.
there’s a shoe sale tomorrow and thinking about dying is not going to stop me from buying them…retard.
walks away from her in a prissy fashion when the door slams into his face. He then trips into the apartment hallway, slips
on detergent by the washing machine, bangs head on washer, falls, the dryer door opens-slamming into his face, a cat jumps
out and he falls hard on his back. He looks dazed.]
lights are shining bright above him, and are flicking on and off making a creaking sound. He looks up and SLAM! 8 pairs of
shoes fall on top of him. Jodee stares.]
I could use magic to save him, but oh well, at least he got his shoes…or did he. (she giggles and starts grabbing all
the shoes from his lifeless body) It’s time for Humpwarts!
is in a classroom in a cloak with a chopstick wand and her hair down. An elderly woman approaches her.]
Miss Jodee Danger.
Yeah I was hoping I could
find Professor Dumblewhore. It’s about Jenny Weasley’s fire crotch issue, and all the Weasley’s…red
More to come...look
for the trailer and message board coming soon!